Hellsing Truth or Dare
by VerdeAmor
Summary: Full Summary inside, HAVE RE-DONE ATTACK OF THE TWIHARDS! WAS ON HIATUS FOR REASONS UNEXPLAINED! THANKS FOR NOT HATING ME!
1. Ideas Are Bulletproof

**I noticed the distinct lack of Truth or Dare in the Hellsing area, so I thought, "Hey, why not?" I will do my best to keep everyone in character. I may make a few dares of my own from time to time, but it's not likely.**

**I own nothing at all, just my comp.**

* * *

Hellsing Truth or Dare!

Once upon a time, there was an awesome group of British Vampire Slayers called Hellsing who were kidnapped by a rabid fangirl. Now because of her wicked deed, every one of their enemies/anti-heroes was kidnapped too. They are yours to command, may it be flying to the moon or angel-raping someone.

I remain, ladies and gentlemen, your obedient fangirl,

Girlycard666.

P.S. If you want to know what angel-raping is, PM me.

* * *

**So yeah. Send in the dares and I'll write 'em up. Keep us entertained!**


	2. Preludes and Beginnings

**This is only the beginning, so one dare should be okay considering the prelude. Send more please!**

**Once again, I own nothing. **

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Prelude and the Beginning

Seras slowly awoke to find herself not in her underground lair. Instead, she was lying on the floor in a room that had walls made of wood, and two windows which allowed her to see the night sky. In other words, she wasn't in London anymore.

She wasn't alone either. Pip was sleeping silently next to her in his usual garb, and everyone she had ever known or her master destroyed was sleeping in same room. She let out a shriek of terror, which woke everyone, save Alucard.

"Ah what the fack?!" a low Scottish screamed when he saw the No-Life-King snuggling with a very horrified Yumiko.

"ALUCARD WAKE UP!"

The Nosferatu opened his blood red eyes, his Cheshire smile slowly forming on his face. "Well, well, well, I knew you'd warm up to me Miss Yumiko. Just didn't know it'd be this fast."

"GET OFF 'A' HER YOU BASTAD MONSTA!" A bayonet went through his head as he rolled away laughing.

From the corner of the large room came a red-headed teenager, a smirk that would rival Alucards on her face. "Welcome, one and all. I trust your journey was satisfactory?"

"Yo, bitch, who the fuck are you?" a groggy Jan asked.

"My name is Girlycard. To answer the many questions raging in your heads, you are in my home, my basement to be exact. And you are all here on a little experiment. The fans," she gestured to the laptop, "Are going to give me ideas as to what hell I can put you through. You must understand, your free will as characters has disintegrated. The tasks MUST be accomplished and there is nothing that you can do to stop them."

Many guns went off and two swords flew at Girlycard.

"Tut tut tut. I expected better behavior from you." The bullets fell out of the girl along with the knives. "Rule #1:Can't kill the writer."

She sat at the computer and went to her mail. "The first instrument of torture, I shall use as an example. It's from **Red-Angel07"**

**My dare is to have Alucard over Anderson's lap while Anderson spanks him with a paddle.**

**And another dare is to have Maxwell watch that video with 2 Girls 1 Cup.**

Girlycard gestured to the paddle that was leaning on a wooden chair. "Get smacking."

They were both pulled to the chair by an invisible force. Anderson sat down, picking the paddle up, shaking as he did it.

"ALUCARD YOU CAN- her mouth was covered by Jan's hand. "Shut up woman! I wanna see this!"

The Scot broke out in a sweat as the no-longer-grinning vampire collapsed on his lap. "Please, Girlycard! Have mercy!"

"The fans have spoken. Anderson, you must obey."

He raised his right hand and struck the vampire with the paddle. The No-Life-King let out a confused moan of both pleasure and pain.

"Again." Alucard moaned, much to the cast's horror. T

The priest threw the vampire off of him and ran away from the chair. "Entertaining while it lasted,' Girlycard laughed, "Next is Maxwell, I pity you."

"Why?" He walked over to the laptop.

The rest of the cast looked away in horror as the Iscariot leader clicked play.

**5 Minutes Later**

"THAT IS A DISGRACE TO MANKIND AND GOD! THEY WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THEIR SINS!" he sat down on the couch, shaking in his shoes.

"Rule # 2, the fans cannot be hurt either." Girlycard mumbled as she sipped coffee. "That wraps it up for today. And remember kids; don't do things like that for Youtube to see. You will never be forgotten."


	3. When Speedos and RickRolls Collide

**Woot woot! This is a lot of fun to write. Keep them coming! This episode took me a grand total of 3 days to write. And I hope you all like the results.**

**I do not own Hellsing, or Shakespeare. Or Rick Astley. And I'm really glad I don't own Micheal Jackson.**

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Chapter 2: When Speedos and Rick Rolls Collide

"For the love of God, child, do not make me do something like that again!" Maxwell screamed at the oblivious Girlycard.

"It might be too late for that. More dares await from **Rambonata."**

**Oh god, this is going to be FUN!  
I dare Alucard to make out with... ANDERSON!  
I dare Seras to Umm... Oh! Paint Alucard's room... Pink, bright eye-burning pink. (while he is away from there)  
I dare the Major to kiss Maxwell  
I dare Maxwell to view the picture.  
I dare (umm) Integra to Rick Roll the queen.  
I dare the Doctor to make a FEMALE clone of our favorite Cat boy **

"Is there any possible way ta make this any worse?!"

"What's wrong Judas Priest?" asked the suave voiced vampire, now feeling up our favorite Catholic Priest. "Afraid of the dark?"

"Get off me ya bloody heathen! Miss Gi'lyca'd, please!"

" Didn't you learn this in the second chapter?" He was suddenly forced upon his arch enemy in a make-out session of pure insanity. "Dares must be obeyed!"

"Police Girl, while your master is preoccupied…"

"Oh, uh, right away!" she left the room with a huge smile on her face, carrying one-way sunglasses and a few gallon of glowing paint with her.

Meanwhile, Alucard was trying to take off Anderson's cloak, his mysteriously vanishing in the process.

"Okay that's enough, before the raping starts in front of your bosses."

Anderson, once again, pushed off his foe with a huge boot to the groin. "I said Get off ya bastad!" He ran into the bathroom, and started chugging Listerine and toothpaste.

"Glad that's over with." She looked back at the list of dares, "Major, we need assistance…"

"Vat do you vant?" asked the rotund German. Girlycard pointed over to the list of dares. The Major scanned the list quickly, "AH! VAT THE FUCK?! KISSIN IZ NOT A RULE OF VAR!"

"I have to kiss him?"

-_-'' "Apparently. Look, if it helps, how did Judas betray Jesus?"

"Very true…very true…" he cupped Maxwell's jaw, giving him a passionate stare, and brought it down to his level, and gave him a nice wet one on the mouth. Maxwell never saw it coming, and fell down in a daze.

"God, you two deserve each other." Integra laughed.

"DO NOT TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN!"

Just then, Seras returned with her sunglasses on. "Alright, I'm done!"

"Done with what?"

"Integra, can you do the honors please?"

She took a drag from her cigar. "Alucard, for trying to rape a priest, I'm sending you to your room."

"He wanted it too!"

"Now." She was two steps away from going into 'Search and Destroy' mode.

The vampire could not disobey his Master, and soon transported into his room.

"MY EYESS!! THEY BURN! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!!!!" he re-ported back into the room, his eyes burned shut. Everyone laughed as the Master Vampire of Hellsing stumbled around the room like a fool.

"M-masta!" the busty fledgling cried, apparent concern in her baby blue eyes. "I'm so sorry! The bad dares made me do it!"

The No-Life-King stopped flailing, and held his head dangerously low to his chest. "Police Girl…"he growled as the room became silent. "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

He began to chase his fledgling around, until she hid behind Pip. "SAVE ME!"

"VAT?! YOU EXPECT ME TO ZAVE YOU FROM HEEM?!"

The monster vampire stood directly in front of the mercenary. "Captain, move before I shred you into pieces so small, even a blood hound couldn't smell a trace of you."

"O-okay!" he ducked and ran away into the bathroom.

"Sir Hellsing, please call off your pet."

"Alucard…"

"But master, the Police Girl-"

"Had no choice. Leave her alone."

He shrunk back like a kicked puppy, "Yes Master."

Girlycard crossed her legs and sipped her coffee. "Now, for the next dare. Maxwell?"

"Dear God, I don't have to kiss anybody, do I?!"

"No. It's worse." She typed in , and faced the opposite direction.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!" came a high pitched squeal from the Iscariot. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!"

"Exactly." she swirled around in her computer chair, clicking until it reaced back to the endless list of dares

" Sir Integra, do you even know what Rick Rolling is?"

She took another drag from her cigar, "No. I'm not a computer Freak."

"Well, come here." She whispered something into the knight's ear. Everyone else leaned in carefully, trying to make out what the teenager was saying.

"All you need to do is convene the 12 in her Majesty's presence."

The blonde knight stood, a simple smirk on her face, "This should be simple enough."

**A DAY LATER, THE MEETING ROOM OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE**

The Council of Twelve along with her Majesty was seated in the meeting room of Buckingham Palace. The twelve were all seated along the table, with her Majesty at the end. Integra stood, papers scattered before her.

"… and so, due to recent research, we have found yet _another_ species of vampire. These creatures are immortal drain sewers that corrupt the minds of the young and innocent of all ages. Your Majesty and fellow knights, I present to you," the projector turned on, viewing Rick Astley's world famous music video.

"The Rick Roll."

_Never gonna give you up_  
_Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt_

The queen laughed heartily as Rick Astley was singing to the music, the knights sat dumbfounded. The second it was finished, Sir Ions was the first to speak. "Integra, have you lost your mind?! Rick Astley is NOT a new breed of vampire!"

"Oh for God's sakes, Ions, this is a very popular Internet prank played by most teenagers of this era." The Queen scolded the blushing knight.

" I would like to thank your Majesty for allowing the Council to meet in your home. That is all, gentlemen" Integra left the room, Walter pushing the cart behind her.

**BACK IN MY BASEMENT**

"That was actually pretty good, Integra. I didn't know you could act."

"Thank you." She smirked remembering Sir Ions face during the movie.

"Alrighty then! Where'd Doc go?"

The cast looked around for him, except for Schro. "He left a little vile ago! I don't know vere he is!"

Suddenly, the door from my brother's room opened. Doc came out, both distressed and somewhat pleased with himself. "Ladies und gentlemen, may I present, Ottilie!" A blonde-haired blue-eyed cat girl stepped out, wearing a girl's version of a Hitler's Youth uniform.

Schro was dumbstruck. He mewed loudly and Ottilie giggled. He ran up to her, and politely kissed her hand. "Ottile, do you like fish?"

"Yah!" they went searching the house for a meal.

"How cute!" Seras squealed.

"Before anyone goes off to stop the cat people from ripping my house apart, there's another from **Red-Angel07."**

-**Thanx for doing my dares! I got a few other dares for the Hellsing characters to do. Keep up the good work! I've been waiting for a funny Hellsing fanfic like this. *Gives u a thumbs up***

**I dare dark Walter and Captain to go 5 rounds of mud wrestling wearing nothing but Speedos and gloves.**

**I dare Schodinger to spend the night at Michael Jackson's house on his Never land Ranch! LOL**

**"**Oh for the love of corn." .

"Yeah!" Walter shouted, his youth returning to him. But then he realized what he was wearing for this. "GOOD GOD HELP!"

"Um Captain, you're in here too."

The silent Captain couldn't say a word as he was changed into the uniform he was given.

**ROUND ONE**

They were all relocated outside, with a bunch of bleachers surrounding a pit of, obviously, mud.

Girlycard was at the announcer's booth, with Ottilie and Schro sitting next to her gnawing on their snack.

"In this corner, we have the former Hellsing trash man, The Angel of Death, also known as the traitorous **** from ****, Walter!"

"Girlycard, watch your language!" a distressed Seras yelled.

"It's my story, remember?" Walter came out from behind the bleachers, wearing a bathrobe.

"In this corner, it's the doggy-boy Lycan himself, Hans the Captain!"

The Captain came out from the bleachers, his usual 'this is stupid' look on his face.

"Gentlemen, the rules are 5 rounds of wrestling. Who ever wins the round, can tell me what dare they do NOT wish to participate in."

The bell went off, and the mud-ness began. The Captain changed shape and took Walter down with his Lycan form.

Alucard popped out of no where. "ONE! TWO! THREE!" the bell went off again.

"Seeing that The Captain took off his gloves and Speedo, Walter is the winner of this match!"

**ROUND TWO**

"Okay, new rules! You can't change shape either when the bell rings got that?"

After a chorus of 'Yeah sure whatever' coming from Walter, the bell rang again.

"Take this dog breath!" he launched himself at the Captain, and they were both thrown to the ground. The Captain simply put his comrade into a submission hold, and Walter gave up. The crowed booed the Angel of death.

"OH COME ON! HE'S LIKE 10 YEARS OLDER THAN ME!" the petite butler cried.

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much." Alucard whispered to Integra.

"Indeed."

**ROUND THREE**

**"**Alright, it's just you and me, man. It's just you and me!" Walter was pummeled by a barrage of fists to the head.

**ROUND FOUR**

Another drop-kicked Walter was lying unconscious on the floor.

"Ottile, zis eez getting boring. Vanna go Vatch 'The Producers?"

"Yah. Valter haz no chance at all!" They left the bleachers, skipping as they went.

**ROUND FIVE**

The only ones left were Rip, Seras, and oddly enough Pip, who was pestering Seras to leave.

"Zis is sooo boring! Ze winner eez already obvious, let's go!"

"No, it's mean to Walter!"

Rip chirped in, not caring who was listening, "Besides, how often do you see ze Captain vith no shirt on"

Walter was missing a few teeth, and was babbling incoherently. "Okay…Now I'm ready yah big, stupid..." He fell face first in the mud.

"Captain, you win. Shower Walter off with the hose before you bring him inside."

**BACK IN MY BASEMENT**

**"**Sorry, Schro, but you have to go to Neverland."

"Vat about Ottilie?" the Catboy cried "Vo's gonna make sure my snuggle-kitty isn't all alone und not afraid of ze dark?!"

"She could go with you." Alucard mumbled.

"NO! She can't go to zat horrible place! Who knows vat sort of effile liffes zere?"

"It's okay, Schro. I'll still be here ven you get back."

The cat boy cried huge tears as he hugged his counterpart goodbye. "I VILL MISS YOU!"

"MEOW!"

**MICHEAL JACKSON'S NEVERLAND**

"Hello? Iz anyone zere?"

"Oh, hey y'all Schro. My boy Major told me y'all was comin down round here."

"Who vas dat?!" the cat boy whispered.

"I'm ova here, yah spunky animal."

Schrodinger followed the voice, and saw Micheal Jackson's face in the moonlight. "Y'all ready to have fun?"

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!" Suddenly, the laugh from the Thriller sounded eerily throughout the house as Schro tried to escape from the beast about to strike.

**IN MY BASEMENT THE NEXT DAY**

**"**Eet vas horrible! Zere vere veird zings touching me, and a zombie man!"

**"**Oh, poor Schro! Do you need a bath?" Ottilie ran a hand through the catboys hair.

"Yah! Can you help me?"

They both disappeared, and the shower turned on.

Seras didn't know what happened, and walked straight into the bathroom.

"OH MY GOD THEY'RE HAVING A CAT ORGY!"

Doc broke the door down, a baseball bat in hand. "BAD KITTY! BAD BAD BAD KITTY!"

Girlycard shuddered as she closed the door, large thudding noises being heard from the bathroom. "That concludes today's episode. Ottilie is now open for dares, but just remember, Schro is everywhere and no where."


	4. Attack of the TwihardsVersion20

Chapter 3: Attack of the Twihards.

**FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DO NOT OWN HELLSING, SALIVA, YUGIOH, TWILIGHT, AQUA, DISNEY, DENTAL FLOSS-WAIT NVM YES I OWN ONE PACKAGE- DRAGON BALL Z, WWE, MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS, AND FINALLLY THIS WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR PALS AT D-GENERATION X! WHO I ALSO DO NOT OWN. **

"Wait, What did you name this Chapter?!" An astonished Maxwell screamed.

"Attack of the Twihards. There's already two dares that have something to do with Twilight, hence, Attack of the Twihards."

"More bloody monstas, these foolish children are obsessed!" The Scot scoffed.

"It's pop culture now. Plus, I'm afraid only Alucard gets to read/watch them. So unless you wanna have a date and watch the vampire movie with him, you really don't need to be here." She looked back to the screen. "Okay never mind, you do have a dare, later though. To kick start this episode, here's one from **JinzoLord.** Hey, wasn't Jinzo a YuGiOh card?"

"I haff no idea." Schro and Ottile popped up next to the computer. "Eet says,

**Damn, good idea, why didn't I think of that?!  
Okay, uumh, I dare Alucard to drink hot chocolate milk instead of blood.  
I dare the doctor to read the spoilers of Hellsing to Luke and Jill Valentine (especially the part where they die, lol)  
I dare the Major to hug Integra, then kiss and make up.  
I dare Walter to dental floss Alucard's teeth**

"Hot chocolate milk? Okay, Schro& Ottie? You wanna go get that for me?"

Ottilie asked "Depends, can ve haff fish?"

"Sure. Go get it!" They poofed out of the basement, and the microwave was turned on.

"Aww…fuck! You let that little bastard near a microwave?!"

"Um…yeah. So?"

A large explosion was heard from above their heads.

"That was Schro I sent up there, wasn't it?"

"Yes…yes it was." Girlycard smacked herself in the head as the Cat people came down the stairs with a mug of hot chocolate milk in Ottie's hands. Their hair is partly singed.

"Here you go!" They joyfully handed over the cup to the No Life King.

"You blew up my microwave, didn't you?"

"Uhm, no, ve just blew up ze spork ve used for ze milk!"

Fire raged in Girlycard's eyes. "YOU BLEW UP MY SPORK?!" she stole a pistol from Heinkel and shot them both in the face. "No one touches my sporks." She growled as Walter handed her some coffee. She took a long drink, and spoke very quietly.

"Alucard, drink the milk."

Scared for his unlife, he looked at the brown liquid, and took a little sip. The liquid was soon regurgitated from his mouth, and he ran into the bathroom.

"That isn't going to end well, is it?"

"No, Sir Integra." Walter replied.

"Doc, it's story time for Lukewarm and Jill. I have Hellsing 2 in my bookcase."

He left to find it. "Hey, what the fuck is up with the name Jill?! It's Jan for fuck's sake! Y-O-N!"

Girlycard smacked herself in the forehead again. "Can't even spell his own name."

Doc returned with the manga. "Found it! It starts out with the Council of Twelve meeting on the Hellsing Estate…"

**MOMENTS LATER…**

"I GOT BURNED TO A GODDAMN CRISP!"

"I WAS EATEN BY THE HELLING PET!"

The Valentine Brothers were rolling on the floor, unbelieving at what they just heard.

"WHY'VE I GOTTA GO THROUGH SUCH A PAINFUL THIIIIIIIIIIIIIINIG?!" Jan was rolling on the floor as he sang out, his brother joined him

"I GOT EATEN BY A DOOOOGGGYYYY!!!!"

"Who vants popcorn?" a happy Schro said, passing out baggies to all the characters except for the vampires.

"WITHER IN THE DAY TIME… GOOD AS GONE BY NIIIIIIIIIGHT! FINISH WHAT I GOTTA DO, ROLLIN ROUND AND ROUND!"

"By a doggy…" Luke whimpered, now curling into the fetal position.

"Zat vas gruesome!" a distraught Rip yelled.

"Zat is var! People die in ze beautiful var!" Major yelled.

Girlycard turned back to her list. "Nice timing Major. It's yet another episode of Major's signs of affection to his enemies!"

"Vat do you mean?" he scanned the list. "Fraulien Integra, I vill enjoy zis more zan you." He turned to the knight and gave her a big hug. "Now for ze best part!"

"Don't you even think about it you sleazy German kraut." She handed him a piece of chocolate. "I gave you a kiss, we're done."

"But, b-but ze dare-"

"Said that you needed to kiss and makeup. Hence, look at the wrapper."

Surely enough, the wrapper was covered in black lipstick.

" Moving on! Walter and the Dental Floss!"

The inferior vampire wanna-be skillfully cleaned Alucards teeth, with 'oohs' and 'ahhs' coming from the rest of the cast. Until…

Crack.

He picked up the sharp canine lying on the floor. The entire room stood still as rage grew in Alucards eyes.

"YOU BASTARD WANNA-BE COCHROACH!" he beat the Butler into a pulp and left him there to squirm.

Oo "Okay, the next dare comes to us from **Princess of What."**

**Princess of what**

**This dare has been buzzing in my head for the last couple of day.**

I dare Alucard to watch the movie Twilight, surrounded by rabid Edward Cullen fangirls that haven't ever heard of Hellsing and beat anti-twilights up.

"For the love of your God, I have to watch THAT?!"

"Yes. I'll even be nice and let you watch it on Flat screen. Anyone else wanna come?"

Ottilie and Scro raised their hands eagerly. Everyone else was staring at them with the worst OMFG face ever.

"Okay! Let's party!"

**IN MY LIVING ROOM**

"OMG! Edward is sooooo hot!"

"What the fuck are you talking about? Jacob is hotter!"

"Yeah, but whose so smexy it makes smexy look not smexy?"

All together now, "EDWARD!"

The No–Life-King could not hold his vampire-lecturing powers in anymore. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY AREN'T EVEN REAL VAMPIRES! THEY'RE WORSE THAN THE FREAKS!"

The room was deathly silent, as an ominous wind began to blow through the house.

"Shit! The window's open again!" Girlycard closed it, and the melee began. The rabid fangirls tore his eyes out of his sockets, and screamed so high pitched his ears bled from brain implosion.

Meanwhile, Schro and Ottie were having a lovely time when Ottie screamed "THE MEADOW SCENE!"

The fangirls froze and praised the TV in admiration of their very white knight on screen. "WE LOVE YOU EDWARD!"

Then the scene ended.

Alucard was ripped back into the hell of torture that is a woman's fandom scorned.

**DOWN ONCE MORE 2 THE BASEMENT**

"Police Girl…need…Anderson…blood…dying…fangirls…Anderson…." The tormented vampire mumbled in his sleep.

"What can we do to save him?" Integra asked solemnly as they looked at the shredded remains of Alucard.

"Not much. Reanimate!"

The pieces slowly formed together to reincarnate Alucard who sat up in his coffin. "The fangirls were everywhere! I couldn't stop them, I-"

"Yeah. You opened your mouth when you shouldn't have. Anyway, you're not dead yet, so here's a few more from **Suzume27."**

**Oh my GOSH! This is so hilarious! I just want to give you thumps up. This is a great story.**

I dare Alucard to sing Barbie girl in his "girl" form.  
I dare young Walter to rape a maid of Integra's. Then have Integra walk in the  
room when it is in session.

"Looks like people really love you today."

"What the hell is wrong with you humans?!" he screamed as a Karaoke set magically appeared hooked to the TV.

"They are fans, and you are subject to them. Not my problem!" she smiled as he was shifting into his Girlycard form.

"This is retarded."

"Stop complaining and sing for the love of Johnny Christ."

"Bloody human author, thinks she's so smart cause she kidnapped 18 people; 2 vampires and at least 6 FREAKS." He grumbled as the music started.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!

He, or should I say, she. seemed to catch on to the music and was doing a really slutty dance along with the singing.

I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair; undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

Seras cowered in the corner as her master continued

I'm a blond bimbo girl, in the fantasy world  
Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly  
You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink,  
kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...  
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"

(uu-oooh-u)

I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

She made her way over to Anderson, and sang directly to the priest, meanwhile removing her outer coat.

Anderson joined in singing and dancing to Ken's part.

Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)

They danced wildly on the stage, while wild cat calls and whistles were coming from the males in the crowd except for Schro, who was laughing at the guy who shot him in the face once dance to one of the worst songs ever created, and Maxwell who was yelling at Anderson to get down.

Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)

They strode to the side of the stage as they danced. Anderson led Alucard towards center stage in a frenzied tango. Then she fell to the ground as he drug her a little further.

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please  
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees  
Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again,  
hit the town, fool around, let's go party  
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"  
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"

Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)

Integra was now knocked unconscious by the actions of her pet and her greatest foe.

I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)

They ended the song with standing ovations, and a chorus of "Thank GOD it's over!" Alucard didn't change back as he stroked the priests cloak. "Do you want to continue this somewhere else?"

Anderson said nothing as the pint sized vampire led him through the wall.

"Nightmares!" Jan yelled after them, and was promptly shot in the face.

"My god, you just got pwned!"

"Oh shut up Girly-bitch!"

She gave him a glare that said, 'Do you want to repeat that phrase?' she went back to her computer, "Oh Walt-Disney! You have a dare!"

The butler, now no longer in his young smexy form, came up to the computer. "I have to do that? Good god how many times has that happened already?!"

"Yes, we know you're a pimp. Now do us all a favor and go **** a maid."

**SOME OBSCURE ROOM IN HELLSING**

The maid [whose name shall not be shown for protection of the innocent] was busy cleaning a room, since the Council of 12 was staying at Hellsing for a series of meetings about the Highway Patrol.

Walter waltzed into the room, his hands full of dental floss of doom, "Miss, I'm afraid that your employment in Hellsing is soon coming to an end."

"What?! But I need this check, to feed my family!"

"I am very sorry. In honor of your service here, Sir Intergra requested that I give you a going away present." He shut the door behind him, and turned back to the maid.

"First, you need to hand in your uniform." He flicked his wrist, and her outfit was shredded into pieces. She screamed

"Walter, no! I beg you sir, please!" she tried to run into the corner, and was trapped by the dental floss.

"What is wrong my dear? Did you find your unemployment unsatisfactory?" he slowly undid his pants zipper, "I really hope this will make up for your time here."

He was about to close in on her, when the door flew open. Sir Hellsing stood in shock by the door, surrounded by the Council of Twelve.

"Walter! Put her down!" he obeyed, and she ran way from him. "Miss, go to my office immediately."

"Yes Sir!" she ran away from him the second she hit the floor, taking the bed sheet with her.

"Gentlemen, I am afraid I need to take care of my staff for a short period of time. Please wait in the foyer."

They didn't say a word as they left, also quite hurriedly.

"What the Hell do you think you were doing?! I already have Alucard ripping on me in front of the Knights, and now this?! ALUCARD!"

The No-Life-King entered a sly look on his face. "Yes Master?"

"I need only say two words, genitalia and shoe polish."

Alucard laughed, "Blessed silver also?"

"Whatever you deem necessary." Integra knew she was giving Alucard a really long leash here, but raping her employees was NOT an option, no matter who you were.

"YOU GUYS ARE MEEEEEEEEN!!!" Walter ran off to cry in the corner.

"Alright! New dares from **Rambonata**!" Girlycard announced, and read them aloud.

**I think i laughed a lung out...**

ANYWAY,  
I dare Alucard to read all 4 books of the Twilight series.  
I dare Anderson to find the true meaning of all life.  
I dare Integra to punch (or kick) ether Maxwell or the Major, both of them if you wish.  
I dare Schrodinger, Ottilie, Hans, Tubalcain and the two Valentine brothers To build a Sound-proof room as an extension of Girlycard's basement.  
I dare Maxwell to do something that will cause in severe trauma.  
I dare the Major to wrestle Seras.  
I dare Pip to burn his stash of p0rn.  
And everyone else who i didn't dare... BE HAPPY!

"What is it with you hooooomans and reading about false vampires! For the love of god they aren't real!"

The Twihards from above ran down the stairs, and literally mugged Alucard.

"YES HE IS HE LIVES IN ALASKA!!!!"

They dragged him away, as one held the box set like a priceless treasure uin her arms.

"Damn Twihards, always kidnapping the vampires." Girlycard swore.

"What about me?!" asked Seras, "I'm a vampire!"

"Not really."

Seras joined Walter in sulking in the corner.

"Anderson!" Just then, everyone realized that Anderson had NOT returned from the Barbie Girl incident.

"Um….who wants to go and get him.?"

"NOSE GOES!" Everyone touched their nose, save Maxwell who wasn't listening.

"Huh?"

"Go get Anderson!"

"W-what?!"

"That's what she said." Jan muttered under his breath.

"He's in this dare. Now."

"Ennnk, fine." He ran upstairs to the closet. "ANDERSON?!"

He was lying upside down asleep as a naked Girlycard drew invisible circles on his chest. "Allo Maxwell."

"GET DOWNSTAIRS NOW!"

"Jus' hold on, Imma commin."

He stood up, and Maxwell shrieked and ran back down the stairs to the crying corner. He was soon followed by Maxwell.

"Ya kno', I bet yo' gay."

Alucard came down the stairs.

"Wait, I thought you got attacked by Twihards?"

"I teleported their rotting carcasses outside." He said, the trademark grin on his face.

"You killed them?!"

"No. Just locked them out of the house."

"Oh great-" the upstairs window was smashed through. "Now not only are you going to die, you need to pay for my window."

The Twihards reappeared and kidnapped Alucard once more.

Anderson fell to his knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! COME BACK MA- wait there's people here."

"Uh..yeah okay. Dare time. Meaning of life, now."

"The meaning of life?! Simple! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll."

Everyone's face hit the floor. Girlycard shook her head, "You stole my iPod again, didn't you?"

"Uhm…yes."

"Goddamnit. Ah well. Sir Integra?"

She slipped on a pair of brass knuckles, and kicked the living shit out of Maxwell.

The Major watched in near horror [and somewhat turned on] as Integra faced him. "I will enjoy this more than you." She struck him hard in his fat flabby face and he sailed onto the floor.

"Whoa. Integra is PO'ed. No, she has yet to say the magical phrase of doom. Then she's pissed."

"Alucard."

The battered body of her pet oozed through the ceiling. "Yes?"

"Search and destroy."

"Oh shit, she said it."

Alucard grinned and lunged for the Major's throat. Rip shot him in the jaw, and he fell on the floor with a shudder.

"Yeah…that was Integra's dare. You must stay put."

She swiveled around in her chair, reading the next dare off the list. "Huh, I always wanted one of those. Cat people! Lukewarm and Jill! Mexican and person who says nothing! Build me a soundproof room!"

"Okay!" Schro and Ottie smiled and started digging though the concrete with a few spoons they had found laying around. The rest of the construction crew went out to find wood. And more concrete. There was also a cowbell thrown somewhere into the mix, but no one has found it since.

When they had finished, Girlycard had to test it out.

"Can you hear me?!" she screamed. No one said a word, and an idea popped into her head.

"Alucard's a gay hooker!"

No one responded.

"NEE NEE PAPA WAIN WO CHOUDAI!"

Jan turned to Luke, "Dude, I think she lost it."

"No shit."

"Probably from not updating for almost a year."

Little did they both know, Girlycard had left the room and was standing right behind them. "Oh ho ho my pretties! There are still more dares to be doing! And you shall be the ones doing them! Ha ha!" she gave an evil grin to the Valentine brothers. "And since the next one involves Maxwell and something traumatizing, I trust that our new sound proof room deserves a test!" she dragged Luke and Jan by their shirt collars and tossed them into the room. "MAXWELL! STRIP! NOW!"

The Iscariot leader had no choice as the raging rage of the Authoress was proved too hardcore for the Catholic.

"Alright." She growled, "This next one can go easy, or hard. But seeing as it's the fat man vs fan service, special attention must be attended to!"

**AFTER HAVING BUILT A WRESTLING RING IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM**

Girlycard stood mid ring, a mic in hand "This match is set for ONE FALL! First, the challenger, weighing 156 pounds, from London, England, SERAS! VICTOOOOOOOORIAAAAAAA!!!!"

The redhead burst from the shower curtain of a door, and came running up the hall into the ring. Luckily for the guys, someone found a skimpy outfit for her to wear. The bad news, she's a prude.

"And her opponent, From EAST JESUS GERMANY! WEIGHING OVER 9000 POUNDS! THE! MAAAAAAAJOOOOOR!"

There was no such thing as a flattering outfit for a guy that size, so he wore underwear. Everyone puked.

"This is a normal WWE like wrestling match. No help, no weapons, and NO BOOB GRABBING!" Major snickered a little, "FROM EITHER OF YOU!" his face fell into a frown.

"I do not haff boobs." He protested as Girlycard cut him off, "Sorry Maj, but I always wanted to do this." She pushed them into their respective corners and bent over mid ring.

"Now, for the the thousands in attendace." She glanced at the tiny crowd of Hellsing, Iscariot, and the Natzis, "For the millions watching at home." She glanced to the reader, and smirked in smirkyness. "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLETS GET READY TO SUUUUUUUCKIIIIIIIIIT!" The bell rung, and all hell broke loose.

The match was over before it started, Major reached out his grubby hand and squished the vampire's boob.

"Well that was uninteresting." Integra mumbled.

Jan and Luke spilled out of the closet, in dire need of a psych ward.

"Oh well, Pip, here's a lighter, any last words?" she asked solemnly as Pip carried his Magazines with a tear in his eye.

"Good bye, my love." He sniffled, "I'd like to read off the list of the deceased. Gabbi, Sheri, Beth, Nattie, Candy, Scary, Posh…"

**69 WEEKS LATER**

"…Bille Jean, Janie, and Maurice."

Everyone had either died, slept, or had left to watch Men Who Stare At Goats.

'Wait." Thought the ever thoughtful Pip, 'If no one's around to watch me burn these things, no one can prove that it ever happened! But what to burn in it's abscince…' Luckily, the remaining copies of Twilight left by the Twihards were sitting on the Fooseball table.

'Eh, these will do.' He picked up a copy and lit the lighter.

The lights fell in the room like the Walls of Jericho, Twihards appearing from every corner of the room.

"YOU BURN EDWARD?!" They scream in an everlasting chant of the damned, "YOU BURN EDWARD?!"

Pip was never seen again for the whole 11 months of hiatus.


End file.
